Ugh. I've had a headache for like 4 days. It's either lack of sleep, lack of water or that I need new glasses. It seems to be worse when I'm reading or on the computer so I'm thinking it's because I need new glasses. But I've been to the doctor so much that I don't want to go to the eye dr too! I've drank like six cups of water today too so I think it is my eyes. Boo.

I made a spreadsheet of possible colleges so that I can compare the programs and it looks like I will be going to Saint Mary-of-the-Woods. It just have everything I am looking for. Plus, tuition is pretty middle of the road so that isn't really an issue either.

I have copious amounts of homework this week. I've finished one-third of today's work but I still have a considerable amount for this evening and my headache does not agree with that. This week is pretty homework packed so I'll be busting my butt.

Washington State MISS Leader, Kara Jones, is a major influence artistically for me. Not only is she incredibly supportive of all my endeavors but she also keeps a blog of art and creativity. Recently, she posted a Creative Prompt to encourage healing. I followed the directions and came up with this:

When my heart broke, I died.
As the darkness closed in, I realized I would most miss the innocence of not knowing.
Walking outside, the air hit my face and I saw nothing but how alone I was.
The air felt like the color grey, so light it almost disappeared.
I wrapped myself in that color and darkness broke open to fire.
Suddenly there was a stream of water flowing by, and when I looked down, there was a gift for me. It was hope wrapped in a blue blanket, his name was Phoenix.
I placed that gift in my heart and felt my body grow with life.
When my heart broke open, I was reborn, just like my Phoenix.

From that came the art that you see above (click to enlarge it). It was really fun to do and wonderful to use my creativity in a way that is healing and fulfilling.

I still have a freakin' essay to write tonight. Boo. It's not hard, I just don't want to do it. I've had a very unmotivated week and am now sort of behind on my homework. Not super bad but I am behind. This essay has really taken me for a loop and added more busy work than I thought I would.

I've just been spending a lot of time cuddling. Plus, when Ethan is bored and doesn't have work to do, he distracts me and then I don't get my work done! :)

Just another reason to add to the list of why I love my husband so much... he is so incredibly supportive. You all know I've been pondering about what to do with school so yesterday I had Ethan read my blog for his advise on what I should do. He basically broke it down for me and said, "What is your ultimate goal with your school and career?" Even if it's something that other people would laugh at or might be seemingly unattainable... So I thought about it. My goal would be to have three books published. I want an author's page on Amazon.com and I want my books to be available at Barns & Noble. I don't have a goal to be a best selling author or to make millions but I do want to be published.

So, is being a humanities major at WSU helping me attain that goal? No. Ethan told me, I needed to find an English major program online through a "real" college. I hadn't considered this because of the cost of going to school out-of-state but he said to forget about the cost, that I just need to keep on track with being a writer.

He and I spend all evening researching college options. We found several college options but I may have settled on Saint Mary-of-the-Woods. They have a distance degree program for English and creative writing. I talked to Pacific Lutheran University's writing program advisor about Saint Mary-of-the-Woods and they said they are a "real" college but that the way the program is set up, because it's one-on-one, it's going to entirely depend on me for how much I get out of it. The program is not super in depth but it has the potential of being very thorough if I make it that way.

I was just so glad that Ethan was so incredibly supportive. I am not going to college so that I can get a job and make money, I'm going to follow my dream and he is the one who reiterated that for me.

Scarlett has been my little cuddle bug today. We laid in bed and watched a movie together. About halfway through the movie, she crawled on top of me, popped her thumb in her mouth, wrapped her other arm around my shoulder, made a little "aww" sound and stayed there. She would giggle every time I squeezed her. Scarlett was never as much of a cuddler as Phoenix was, when she was a baby. Phoenix craved touch, he still does but he doesn't like to snuggle, he just likes to touch you - like a hand under your chin or his feet on your back. Or he likes to sit right nest to you. He craves proximity. But Scarlett has never been able to sleep well while cuddling which is why we had to buy her a crib as a baby. It always made me sad because I thought she'd never be a cuddler. Now that she's older we are seeing that she is, just in a different way. Scarlett loves to crawl into your arms or onto your lap, she loves to be held and hugged. Totally different than the way Phoenix is. Maybe it's because she's a girl. No matter the reason, I am so glad and I love it.

After our cuddly movie we went down and had lunch. Unfortunately, I had forgotten but our water was shut off today because the city was doing some work on the pipes or something. So, I had to make "steamed" noodles in about a cup of water. They tasted fine but were sort of chewy.

Then it was nap time for Scarley. I sang her three songs and left. Then I listened to her singing at the top of her lungs and playing with her stuffed animals for 2½ hours until she finally fell asleep! This is the third time she's done this recently. Please don't tell me she's getting rid of her nap. Eek.

Now I have to get my homework done. I've been distracted all day by various things and I really need to get this freakin' essay done. Or anthology of essays really.

Oh, I have news about Phoenix's school. He is graduating from the developmental preschool on the 10th. He is doing fantastic. He is really advanced in certain areas and even his behavioral issues have gotten so, so much better. Lately he's even been saying he's bored at school which probably means it's time to get him in a more challenging program. The teacher wants to keep him on as a peer model but that means that he's only there for 2 hrs a day and we have to pay. We have to drive 20 mins to his school so is over an hour on the road worth it every day for him to be at school for only two hours? I mean, if we have to pay regardless, me might at well find something closer. Besides, we'll be moving in a couple months. So I think we've decided that we'll pull him out of school until we can start him at a new school next fall. Our goal, as it always has been, if for him to go to a Waldorf school.

Waldorf is a private school that focuses on art, nature and creativity. My dad was asking about it today (becasue he's a scientist) and this is what I wrote him:

The Waldorf school in Bellevue is called Three Cedars. They have a ton of math programs and for science.

The early grades focus a lot on natural science (nature walks, biology, zoology and botany), and also science through play (baking, building).

Sixth grade starts middle school and science becomes more involved with geology, astronomy, physics, minerals, geography, human physiology, chemistry, meteorology and anatomy.

So, way, way more science than in regular schools.

Kindergarden is mostly play and learning skills (like cooking, sewing, cleaning, ect) and they also learn a lot about nature.

It says that, for a child to start first grade for this school year (2009-2010) they would need to be 6 by May. So, Phoenix would mean Phoenix would start Kindergarden next year at this school. Their ages are much more case-by-case though.

Every year they have themes for the school year and they all do class plays. Along with science, first graders do language arts, The Arts, Math, geography, games & movement (like PE but it includes more than just regular crap PE), language and culture (they study Japanese and Spanish and the festivals celebrated in those cultures), music, "practical arts" (in first grade it's knitting, nature studies and nature crafts), they take field trips to sheer sheep and to different parks, and they also work on socialization/behavior (like kindness and politeness). That's just first grade!

The biggest downside is the cost ($15,000 per year) because it's not religion based, it gets no help from a church. They do have discounts for sending multiple children to school. Also, the only Waldorf high school is in Seattle. If the program is right for the kids though, we would take the hit and continue there or they would go to a Bellevue high school until they could do running start. From what I've read (not just on the school websites but I've talked to many kids online who when to Waldorf schools) they are at about a 12th grade level in 10th grade. Plus, since the education is so different, the transition to a "normal" high school can be rough.

You can read more about the method behind the Waldorf schools here: www.whywaldorfworks.org

Sometimes, when I'm stressed or the kids are bored or I just need to, I take a long bath with both the kids. It's my backup plan to use as a last resort time filler. Often I use it on those days that Ethan is working late and there is still a good hour until he gets home. So, today, not only was my hip aching but I had bad cramps (like the worst I've had in years) and Ethan wasn't even leaving work for about an hour. It was a bath day for sure. We all three hopped in the bath and played with cars and buckets for over an hour. Of course we washed too. It's nice because I can lay down and rest and the kids like dumping water on my legs and racing their cars on my belly. It really is a good time waster, plus we all get clean and it wears the kids out really well. Three birds, one stone! Thank the stars for a big bath tub.

In the bath Scarlett said, "Certainly we have to find my car." Certainly? What two year old uses that word? And correctly too.

We are starting to look for a new rental every once in a while. We search online just to check and see what's out there. We'll start seriously looking mid-March but it's good to know where our standards should be. We did find a great house (great from the pictures) but the owners only want to rent for a year or two and we want something longterm.

I have had little motivation for writing lately which is unfortunate because I have a paper due on Sunday. It's really not hard either, just busy work to show that I have read the required reading for the class. I'm just not feeling it this week, not that I have a choice.

Today was more of the same... homework, Ancestry.com and TV with Ethan. I got one essay done today, got a bit more discovered on my family tree, wasted a ton of time of Facebook games and then got in bed and watched the crazy amazing Lost premier. My hip has been hurting today so it makes me feel pretty crappy emotionally. But otherwise, nothing happened today. Just boring...

Today my friend Emily came over with her month old baby, Owen. I haven't seen them in about a month and he's gotten so big, but he's still tiny. He's like a little old man. It was nice hanging out with Emily but I was horribly embarrassed at how messy our house is. I haven't had any time or stamina to do cleaning and Ethan's been working a ton. I was sort of stressing out about but then I was like whatever... Scarlett slept the whole time they were here so she didn't get to see the baby. Next time.

I've been spending a ton of time on homework and on Ancestry.com today. My eyes actually hurt from my computer screen. But I still have considerable homework to do. I have a major essay assignment due on Friday so I feel like I'm pretty behind but I'm actually not, it's just a lot of work.

When I type with one eye closed, I feel like I'm standing at more than arms length away... it's weird, I have no depth perception. Odd.

Today I've been thinking a lot about school. Though WSU DDP (Washington State University Distance Degree Program) is a great school system, it is very limited, especially in what I want to do. I look at the writing programs for Pacific Lutheran University and University of Washington and it just makes me drool. I want to study writing, language and literature and very little of that is available to me at WSU DDP. After this term, I have 5 more terms to go (graduating in December 2011) with a BA in Humanities but I will have to take so many undergrad courses to make up for not being able to study what I had originally wanted.

There are two sides to this. I could continue, have a BA and then go to PLU or UW and get another BA before continuing on the the Masters program or I could transfer next winter and fill in the gaps that way. Would it really matter if I got two BA's? But, am I ready to actually go to school, be away from the kids and all that? I really am in no rush but it would be nice to do what I really want to do. I still have two years of language to take that isn't offered at WSU DDP and I'm not even sure I'd be accepted into a Master's program without the language.

The other thing I was thinking would be to complete this year. Take the beginning of 2011 off to do Rosetta Stone, transfer to PLU or UW, challenge the language courses and sort of be able to pick up where I left off. It might only add on a few classes to my degree if I do it that way. Or, it might set me back a year, even two. Essentially, I'd be switching majors (from humanities to english). The more I talk about it the more I think I should just stick it out and go to PLU or UW in 2012 to get another BA or at least fill in the gaps until I can get accepted to a masters program BUT, I really wish I was studying writing, language and literature rather than rhetoric, women studies and history.

Maybe it's time I print out the degree requirements and cost information and talk to my dad and Ethan about it. Maybe we should go and meet with the advisors at PLU and UW and see what they have to say... but, even if they agree that I should go to school (rather than study online) could I even do it? Could I even leave the kids and be gone during the day?

Today we got to go to Miss Taya's 4th birthday party at KidsQuest at the Factoria Mall. They kids had a great time and I always love seeing Latay, Salina and Taya. They are some of my favorites. And the kids just love Taya. Phoenix was so excited to get to see her. So, she had her birthday party there and the kids had a lot of fun. We had never been so the kids were super excited. We didn't stay for very long to play though because Scarlett had to take a nap and I needed to get some homework done before we went to Grammy & Grandpa's for dinner.

So, we came home, I did a rockin' job on my homework. Found out I got a 95% for unit 1 in one of my classes (which I hope reflects how I am doing in all of my classes and I hope that puts me on track for some A's this term) and then we had to go to Ethan's parents for dinner.

Trav & Zoë were there and I haven't seen them in weeks so it was nice to see them. We had a good dinner and the kids were fabulous. Ethan and Rick talked about investments and the ladies talked about out ancestry. I'm pretty sure we are going to get an account with ancestry.com because I think it would be really neat to see our family history.

Most of today was spent doing homework. I am still behind on reading but I'm getting close. I have to get caught up by Monday or I'm screwed because I already have a ton to do next week.

We decided to start a new tradition though with a Disney movie on Friday nights. My parents invited us for dinner though so we decided to move our movie night over there. It was really fun (my mom even made popcorn in little red & white boxes). Our first movie night was Mary Poppins which probably is a little too long for the kids. I don't even remember a lot of the parts that are in that movie. There are a lot of slow, adult minded parts. Next week we'll watch something shorter but our plan is to buy a bunch of new Disney movies that the kids have never seen - like they've never seen Dumbo or Bambi! So we'll have to get those and watch them. Having watched those movies makes Disney World a lot funner.

 Well, we went up to Kirkland today for my "ultrasound" oh, ummm, what? It's an injection and and ultrasound? Well, gee, thanks for letting me know... I hope it works. First, I'm not quite sure Dy. Hyman believes that my issue here is caused by hypermobility syndrome. Sure, I'm flexible but is it the cause to my pain? It sure seems to fit, however the rheumatologist seemed to think that my hip pain would be a tear, which would be fit with the hypermobility thing but, that is not what the ultrasound found today. Instead there seemed to be a large pocket of fluid on my femur, near the hip joint. I asked what would cause that pocket of fluid, "Inflammation." replied the doctor. Gee, really?

I really like this doctor, he's great but I think he's floundering for an answer here. Sure, my hip is inflamed... but why? It's like three times the normal size. Why? Dr. Hyman attempted to suck some fluid out of the pocket but the needle he chose (for my benefit, so it wouldn't hurt as bad) was too small. Think sucking a milkshake through a straw. But, he did manage to inject the pocket of fluid with a steroid. The entire procedure hurt like hell (thank God Ethan was with me). It was a horrible feeling but it should make my hip pain better. The doctor said it could take 10-14 days for the steroids to really work and I'm supposed to keep an hourly journal of my pain until my follow-up appointment in two weeks.

I'm not sure he's convinced that my case is not one for the rheumatologist. The ultrasound picture you see is not my hip, but it's almost identical. You know what that is a picture of? Hip effusion. So would that point to arthritis? Do I still have to worry about the ANA coming back positive?

So far, I can't tell if the injection has made any difference, if fact, my hip hurts really bad. I can't tell if it's just the pain from the injection or if it's still my same old hip. One bonus to the day was Dr. Hyman signed me off on a disabled parking pass for six months. Yay good parking. Boo for still not knowing what is wrong.

Today was a day dedicated to homework. I spend almost the whole day in bed doing homework. My hip has been really stiff so I've been staying off it almost entirely. When Phoenix got home from school, Ethan and I decided it was a no-tv-day, so we played dress-up! It was fun and Phoenix and Scarlett played for hours.

Then we went out to a pizza place in downtown Kent for dinner with Jeff. We had invited Trav & Zoë but it is Zoë's mommy's 56th birthday so she was spending time with her family. A little note for her: ~I never knew you but you raised some glorious children and that is a reflection on how wonderful you are. You are very missed and well loved.~

Tonight has been more homework and then we'll start watching Lost soon. I think we will finish before season six premiers on Tuesday. Tomorrow is my ultrasound, hopefully we'll be getting some answers and a treatment in the works.

 I finally had my rheumatologist appointment today. First, let me say, Dr. Gauthier was great. She really took the time to explain everything in a way that made us not only understand, but laugh. She said that there is an amazingly high number of false positive ANA tests. Something about the technology behind the test being totally inaccurate which results in over 98% of positive ANA's being false! Further, my family history may provide me with a higher than normal ANA, resulting in a positive test when I in fact do not have any autoimmune disorder. So, she is having the University rerun my test which could take up to three weeks but it will be accurate. 

Dr. Gauthier explained that she is almost certain that I do not have anything wrong with autoimmune response which means no lupus but that I do have hypermobility syndrome which means I am extra flexible. Big deal, right? Anyone who knows me knows that I'm a bendy person, even in adulthood. But, did you know, when I was a teen I danced and did gymnastics and that I was so flexible I could do both the moves pictured (yes, that is me in 9th grade in the lower picture) and I could also roll all the way through both the middle and right legged splits.

My hypermobility has never been in my arms or hands like most peoples is but is primarily in my back and hips, which is why I was never good at tumbling and instead danced through early college. It has also never caused any problems. Sure, I can pop both my hips out of their sockets (or float them) but it's never hurt - except when they pop and lock, that f-ing hurts. But for the most part, why should flexibility be bad?

Because, hypermobility syndrome combined with three pregnancies equals bad news. Essentially the prolactin released during pregnancy makes you more flexible which is great because you need to push a baby out but it is not so great if you are already flexible to begin with. What happens is that your ligaments get so loose that your joints do not bend properly, but you don't know because you've been like that your whole life. You only start to notice when it starts to do damage (like running did) or if you lose muscle mass (like when you are on bedrest).

The doctor explaining it by saying she is like the workhorse and I am the arabian thorough breed; she would work out on the farm and I would dance ballet; etc. She said, if we were to remove all muscle from out skeletons, her's would still be standing and mine would just be bones on the floor; that, without my muscles, my ligaments are not strong enough to support my body. Therefore, my joints rub together, dislocate and lock and I may not even know. This being the cause to all my joint pain over these last five years.

So, what do we do? First things first, we have to get my hip fixed. It's looking more and more like that is a tear in the cartilage and that it would need orthoscopic surgery to repair. Further, I have a long road of physical therapy ahead of me. I have to rebuild the muscles I basically no longer have, it'll be a process that will probably take over a year. I have to teach my body how to function again properly. I also can never get overweight and I have to always keep my muscle mass at high levels to balance out my lack of support from my ligaments. When I am older, my joints will stiffen (like all people's do with age) but mine will stiffen to the elasticity of a normal person before old age, I will probably never get stiff joints like a typical older person.

So, will I ever run again? Honestly, probably not. It may be over a year before my doctors will even clear me to run again and even that is no guarantee. I have to build all the muscles up again but I may never be strong enough to really run like I'd like. Dr. Gauthier explained that running is the hardest exercise on your joints and, though she won't say it's out of the question, it is not advisable, even down the road. Instead she suggested water aerobics.

After recovery is over I will probably become really active in biking instead. It will still get me outside but with much less strain on my joints, I can still race but I'll be training for much longer distances. As I said, I'll need to keep my fitness for the rest of my life or it will cause major problems so I don't have the option of just sitting around and not doing anything, unless I want to totally blow out my joints before the age of 50.

Next step, get to the orthopedic doctor on Thursday and get a plan for this freakin' hip. I may still have weeks of pain ahead of me and I know I have months of hard work but I do see a light at the end of the tunnel. Who would have though a bit of extra flexibility could lead to all this?

I've just been spending my day in bed because my hip is yucky. I watched a movie and have been surfing the web and now I'm going to do some homework. Scarlett is keeping me company as we watch Disney channel.

Speaking of Disney... we are super excited for our trip next January. We can't wait to go. There is so much we are looking forward to. And no one understands unless they are Walt Disney World fans like we are. It's unfortunate that so many people assume they wouldn't like WDW, it's only because they can't let loose and allow themselves to be kids. Ethan and I have just as much fun as the kids!

I already have a list of restaurants we want to go to and am getting really excited about the hotel. The Grand Floridian is one of the deluxe resort hotels at WDW. It is right on the monorail track so we literally walk out of the lobby, onto the monorail and are at the front gates in less than 5 minutes. It'll make it really easy if we have to go back to the room for any reason. Plus, apparently the hotel is frequented by Cinderella and Alice in Wonderland characters. Again, no one would understand our excitement on this unless you've been there but the kids are going to be thrilled!

I watched Australia the other night. I felt the movie was too long but it was entertaining none-the-less. I enjoyed the last half of the movie more than the first half though. Baz Luhrmann is one of my favorite directors so I had to see it but it wasn't anything compared to Romeo + Juliet or Moulin Rouge! (two of my favorite movies). One thing that really caught me about the movie was the "Stolen Generation". In Australia, apparently the government was stealing aboriginal children who were "mixed blood." They would steal them claiming that the mothers would eventually forget about the children. Apparently, part of the intent was to "bread the black out of them!" I was shocked that this ever happened and then I was horrified that the stealing of mixed aboriginal children stopped in the 1970's! Awful. I'm going to keep this historical topic in my mind for a possible argumentative essay at some point.

On another topic, we met Star's dad tonight and he's really nice. Star seems to love him a lot and they have a good relationship. He was really great with the kids too.

My hip's pretty bad today but that's just a sign I did too much. boo.

I can't take the toys anymore. Ugh, the kids have so many toys but they all have their place only the kids never, ever put anything away. In fact, one of their favorite things to do is to dump all the toys in a giant pile when no one is paying attention. I couldn't take it any longer and I cleaned everything up and all the "closet toys" (everything kept in bins in the closet) is taken away for a week. I swear, I'm edging on throwing everything away, grrr.

Well, after I finished cleaning and vacuuming, my hip and pelvis are on fire. So, now I'm in bed, watching Australia. I have no homework due this weekend, just a bunch of reading to do.

Today I had very, very little homework so we decided to take the kids to the Disney Store. It's all the way up in Lynnwood, which is more than an hour drive for us. But, we had nothing else to do and I really wanted to see what was there too. Let me just say, we are lucky we don't have a Disney Store closer to us! They just happened to be having a huge sale to make room for the spring line (is it me or is spring stuff coming out too early? At Babies R Us the other day, it was all shorts and t-shirts. We still have 4-5 more months of cooler weather!). Anyways, so everything was on sale.

We are a Disney family, we all have our favorites and there is very little we don't like. She had a harder time deciding what she wanted than Phoenix did. There is just so much princess stuff, and a lot of it is just a little too old for her. Scarlett loves princesses (duh) but always talks about "Hab You Eber Seen da Mermaid" AKA Ariel. We have this book that sings a song about Ariel and so that's what she calls her, so... she got a new sweatshirt and pajamas, both Little Mermaid. Plus these two toys:



Phoenix gravitated right to Cars and Toy Story. He got a pair of pajamas that look like a Buzz Lightyear costume. He ended up also picking out these two play sets:



Now I'm sitting here doing my bit of homework and watching this amazing Haiti fundraiser on TV. I'm not crying but a few of the stories have brought tears to my eyes. The performances are great and I wonder how much this has raised. I also wonder if you really get to talk to celebrities when you call and donate. I've already donated so I can't call and donate again.

Last night was a rough night, Scarlett work up several times and had a fever so she was like sleeping with a giant hot water bottle. Her fever was only 100.7º this morning but, through the night, I was so worried about her that I ended up having horrible nightmares about her being sick or hurt. Through the course of the day she developed a really nasty (small) but wet cough. Unfortunately, today was supposed to be the day that we go see my friend Emily and her new baby Owen. So, of course, I had to tell her we can't. I can't risk a one month old getting a fever - that would be really scary.

So, we stayed home, cuddling, watching TV and doing homework, okay, she didn't help with the homework but I did a ton. We are supposed to review each other's websites (which I posted yesterday) and the beginning design people are critiquing me on what the textbook says. So, which do you prefer?





Other than that, nothing happened today. Ethan worked until 6PM at the office. We watched our Thursday night TV and that's it. I am not planning for tonight to be easy, Scarlett will probably wake up several times. He fever is gone but her cough is bad. Poor girl.

When children wake-up hours before the sun comes up, it makes for a very tired mommy. The kids were just not in the mood to sleep so (bad parents) we give them food and turn on tv and we get a little more sleep. ;) Well, I was laying in bed and Phoenix started screaming. Like screaming... He ran down the hall to me screaming and shaking. I thought for sure Scarlett had died or was injured very badly. I'm yelling, "What happened? What happened?" And he just kept screaming. I yelled at Ethan to find Scarlett just when Phoenix says through sobs, "There was a spider in my room." Oh. My. God. *pfew* My heart was racing. Ethan went and wrested with one of the largest spiders he had ever seen and won. He came back and told me, he understood why Phoenix screamed like that, that I would have too. Ha! Poor kids. He's already so scared of bugs, I'm sure that set him back.

Today I went to Babies R Us with my mom to get gifts for Emily's baby Owen and Katie's baby Elle, plus big brother Pierce. Lots of new babies right now. Maybe more next years from friends and family? After that we went to lunch and to the mall to get some replacement piercing stuff.

My hip is a bit sore-er from walking around but not awful. I know it's still hurt and it's hard to convince myself to stay off of it.

Unfortunately, I am not a day behind on reading - eek! I have to get caught up. Tomorrow I'm going to my mom's so I'm going to bring all my stuff so maybe I can catch up. Today I did create a sample website as an introduction to myself for my multimedia authoring class. What do you all think: http://sites.google.com/site/lizallenenglish355/ The hardest part was being limited by Google Sites to make it. :D